rebuild

the darker the place the tinier the speck of light needed to completely change perception. a few of the holes i carry in my swiss cheese soul were made opaque recently, filled with the malleable clay of a good friend.  working that familiar but still fresh loam through my fingers helps me forget about the other pieces of me that remain absent.  i hope they will also be filled one day.  those jagged-edged frames of emptiness are a real eyesore.

lost

last night was spend wandering through space, feeling like words or even a touch have to be twice as forceful to register.  in no particular order:

talk to some girl and boy at a bar as fireworks crack in the distance.  the girl knows several people i know through strange coincidences.  the boy plays soul coughing’s “circles” on the electronic jukebox.  debate with myself whether it would be better if it were actually the year two thousand four.  if it were i certainly wouldn’t feel like a boy scout without a compass.

pass two men in a parking lot and they tell my friend and me that we look like cops.  i get irrationally angry at this.  eventually i let it go without arresting them.

find myself in what is obviously a dive bar that for some reason has obscenely loud current pop music being played by a d.j. so out of place that he may as well have been spinning at a funeral.  even for this city it is a new low for the attractiveness of the patrons.  women either too heavy or too old dance poorly and eye my friend and me.  we leave quickly.

early morning on a deck.  sol beer and carnival popcorn from a blue plastic bag.  girls come and go between this house and another.  eventually i follow one to the other place and find it full of high school boys who are friends of one of the girls’ younger brother.  they are playing unlistenable music and microwaving food.  i stay for as long as i can stand it then leave, thinking to myself that happiness is elusive.  and relative.

one time a week

it is strange which muscle motions become habits.  in the course of driving my car i find myself reaching from the gear shift knob over to touch an invisible thigh.  it happens at random times and has no bias with regard to whether my mind is active with thought or turned off.  when i realize what i’m doing i immediately pull back, like the passenger seat is glowing red electric stove coil.  the only thing that gives me a sliver of relief from these constant burns is the video for gauntlet hair’s “human nature”.  i’ve watched it on a loop for several days.  i like when andy and craig smile at the end.   

splinter

my soul hurts.  it aches with the dull throbbing of a contusion under two fingers of pressure.  the fact that time is slipping away from me did not matter so much when that time was sucked dry of pleasure.  now it rushes past, taunting my parched throat with its oozy wetness.  i want to purr again at the end of the day.  and wake up without wanting to vomit.